A journal entry: on pregnancy
“Find the seed at the bottom of your heart and bring forth a flower. ”
23 weeks - April 2020
32 weeks - June 2020
39 weeks - July 2020
One of the biggest regrets I had during my pregnancy was the fact that I don't have nearly enough photos. But looking on the bright side I took with my phone many videos of my belly and of Ulisses "kicking" as if he was running the marathon.
My pregnancy belly only started to show about the 5 months of gestation. At the time we were already "stranded" in our home country, Portugal, but far away from our home... that a few years ago moved to the Netherlands. The World at the time was drowned in uncertainties and appalled by a new strand of virus that held everyone for ransom.
As if it was not enough the world being upside-down and the need for us to be in isolation, my body kept on changing as the days went by. The little clothes I had with me (most of what I had stayed in the Netherlands... because I was only counting on staying one week in Portugal) started to not fit me and by this time all the stores were already closed so I was not able to try or see anything, buying online something that is completely different from the usual is a nearly impossible task to get right at first... so I focused more and more in the shopping for my baby.
Of course I wish everything could have been different, with beautiful moments more comfortable and in a good mental state... but even with those hardships and looking back for me the most important is that pregnancy went well and that Ulisses is a very healthy boy.
My first trimester was mostly feeling sickness and sharp & intense pain on the belly; the remaining time was marked by sleeping difficulties, Periform's syndrome and acute anemia.
The worst part was the toxicity everywhere around us. Tension deliberately created to harm and to drag us down... I never expected this especially during this time of my life.
Until the last month that even though was the worst one physically we managed to get rid of the "bad apples" and have some enjoyment & memorable moments.
Since then we have been in complete social isolation. We only managed to return to our home when Ulisses was a month old and since then we are still staying at home leaving only for the so called "hygienic strolls" and little more. Having a life like we had pre-covid seems something so far-fetched for now... I still don’t feel confident enough to return to that way of life.
I can only define time now in my day-to-day life as foggy. It is as if Time is bending itself in a thousand different folds so it can fit on a very small drawer.
Days blend with the weeks which themselves are indistinguishable from the months that already went by.
It is a strange notion of time. It is a Notion that I am going to break soon. We are now in the dawn of the day in which we claim of Life again. Time will once again be Time.
x